First of all, when I opened up micrsoft word to start typing
up this blog post, the program ask if I wanted to autorecover my last document
I had been working on, which contained some poetic ramblings from June. I read
the document, and Hoo boy were those some rough drafts, and hoo boy did I have
some emotions I was processing at that time. Those stringings of words will
100% never be seen by anyone else’s eyes. Ha.
Now on to the real subject. Have you ever succeeded at
something but felt completely defeated at the end? I’ve learned what that feels
like from both hiking and climbing recently, but today’s specific instance
really brought it home.
If you are friends with me or follow me on social media in
any context you will know that I’m an avid hiker. This began years ago as a
simple way to exercise, and it has blossomed into this thing I’m sometimes
crazed about. I want to do harder and harder hikes, and I’m turning into an
aspiring ‘peakbagger,’ one who is all about summiting mountains, not just wandering
through the woods. Of course I still love a hike with a waterfall or good
lookout point at the top, but there’s a different level of satisfaction and
accomplishment achieved when you get to the top of a pointy mountain that not many
people ever see, where YOU can see for miles and miles. They’re 10 times better if
there is scrambling involved, in my opinion.
The satisfaction for me especially comes from knowing how hard
it was to get there. I’ve never been an athletic person in the slightest, and
growing up I didn’t feel capable of doing much with my body. I wasn’t sporty –
forget it if a flying spherical object was involved, especially coming toward me. So the fact that I’ve
built up my stamina and leg strength in order to GET to some of these 3,000 ft
+ destinations makes me feel like I have something to be proud of for once.
This summer, however, has been a wild one. In June I was
probably at my own ‘peak’ of performance (see what I did there?) for the year so far. I was hiking
multiple times a week and doing hard stuff, including a weekend, marathon-long backpacking
trip that included something like 5 passes summited, with about 16 miles just in one
day. The very next weekend I solo hiked to Mt. Raymond on a Saturday, which was over
4,000 ft of elevation gain with a hefty scramble at the top, and nearly 10
miles round trip. I felt on top of the world. My lungs were pushed but not
beat, and my legs didn’t scream at me until the actual summit part, for good
reason.
Today I attempted and succeeded at summiting Gobbler’s Knob,
but felt completely ashamed about it. The first third of the trail was pretty difficult right off the bat, and I got the force-you-to-stop side cramps you get when your lungs are not
keeping up. The middle section was perfect and easy
(imagine my relief, since after an hour it was not just a problem of not being warmed up), but then the last, steep third of getting up to the peak … woah mama. I made it,
but desperately. I would go up fifteen feet and take a break, repeatedly. I
made it out of sheer stubbornness – I just had to finish - and this was how my
last peak went, also, which was around two weeks ago. Gobbler’s Knob is actually
right next to Mt. Raymond with less of a scramble (actually none at all), only
3,000 ft, and fewer miles since it started at a different trailhead. This peak handed
me my ass and sent me home with my tail between my legs.
I didn't have to think very long about why I'm having such a hard time these days. I’m positive it
boils down to two simple things, regularity of exercise and eating. Without
going into detail, I’ll just say that I’ve been treating my body like absolute
crap for at least a month. It has been SO hot and incredibly smoky in these
mountains that I just didn’t even want to hike for the second half of the
summer. So I didn’t, and I didn’t really do much of anything else either. I can count on one hand the times I hiked in August, and that's not enough to keep the pace I had and lost. I’ve
also been feeding my body straight junk, and there is no way that’s not going
to affect my physical performance. I now understand why not everyone is an
athlete – it takes discipline, dedication, and hard work even when you don’t
feel like it. I lack these things, but thought I was good enough to achieve the
same goals without them.
I’ve refrained from posting any peak pictures because I am
too embarrassed by my weak completion of this trail. I'm learning there is a difference
between a challenging success and a desperate success, and the latter is one I don't think any athlete would be proud of. Today I was put in my place, as I learned I’m
not as skilled at hiking as I think, and I should take a step back and work on
moderate level trails again before jumping to the strenuous ones I’m not ready
for.
Both hiking and climbing are a constant struggle, as you
MUST keep at it to stay on top of your game, or else you’ll slip into what I
call a ‘humble relapse’ yet again. I am familiar with this. Yet,
it seems the farther you go, the more disappointing it is when you backslide.
So here I am defeated and ashamed, and who knows if I’ll be
able to pull out of myself the discipline and determination it takes to stay
good at something physical. On my way down I at least got some perspective
while reflecting on my progress so far. I’ve come a long way since my first
hiking experiences, one of them being the Catalina hike on one of Intervarsity’s
spring break retreats back in college. I did so poorly the first year that I
vowed to myself the next year would be a lot better, and that was one of the
initial motivations that got me into the activity at all. This time last year
when I felt defeated and out of shape, I was only on foothill trails in my
former town of residence, of much less strenuousness. And what I used to
consider a good day hike length was around 4 miles; now I’m doing 6 – 8 round
trip and making a day out of it.
Looking back I am able to give myself a lot of grace. I’m sure
most of you that know me are thinking these same things, but of course, everyone is their own worst critic. Today was rough, but after reflecting on my own history,
I can feel accomplished at the strides I’ve made and motivated to
continue trying, because something in my past self got me to where I am now, and I’m
thinking that’s still there.
If you're feeling like you've recently achieved a similar desperate success, don't let it get you down for too long. Take some time to reflect on where you've been and how you got there, and give yourself a stern talking to about not eating banana pudding every night of the week (ok, maybe that's just me).
As a final thought, I’d like to thank the mountain itself.
You challenge me, defeat me, but then soothe me on my way down with your
enchanting beauty. I have gentle reminders that it’s not always about getting
to the top, and there could be such a thing as – gasp – turning around when I’m
struggling so that I still enjoy the hike and don’t leave feeling ashamed. I
look forward to the many more lessons you have to teach me in my upcoming years
of exploration. <3
