It is a Sunday afternoon in the midst of COVID19 social distancing (March 29, 2020 for record keeping purposes). Whether that matters or not, I don’t know - the circumstances might be the same, because this isn’t an unusual occurrence: I have hours upon hours of time on my hands and I don’t know how to spend it, and rather than a normal person being bored and simply finding something to occupy their mind, I, for some reason, have to take it seriously and let all existential thoughts seep in and take over.
Sometime in my youth I started asking the question, “Why?” and I think it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. For some folks who are intellectually in the same boat, the question is spurred by mere curiosity - ‘Why do turkeys have that weird thing called a giblet? Why do certain people like the sound of some music and others don’t? Why do I dream about the things I dream about? Why do people dream at all?’ For me it is often this same initial curiosity that starts the questioning, but as I’ve grown older the questions have become more serious and have started demanding answers, no longer allowing themselves to be simple musings/ponderings about the way things work.
If I tried to start a list of these questions, I don’t think it would ever end, because one spurs thoughts about another. A lot of my questioning centers around dating and marriage, love, and what makes relationships work or not work. I psychoanalyze personalities on TV, in the media, in my own circle of influence, and especially my own personal experience to try to understand why people are drawn to each other and either stay together or leave. Everywhere I turn I see relationships struggling, crumbling, and ending, with broken pieces lying all about, and I think, “Did they just not pick the right person? What was off about their personality fit/cohesiveness as a couple? Did one of them have personal issues they can’t get over? Is there unconscious sabotaging? What kind of love did they have in the first place, and if it didn’t last should I not be looking for that?”
Because of all these questions, I think a lot about the nature of humans and where our desires and needs even come from in the first place. Science and evolution are some of the first avenues I can explore to explain why we are the way we are. For every human behavior, feeling, and thought process I try to understand from a survival standpoint what purpose it might’ve had for our ancestors. Not just in romance, but in things like day to day motivation, boredom, depression, anxiety, compassion, empathy, and what makes people feel fulfilled. I come across good theories sometimes, but on other occasions I am simply left in the dark. Often theories clash and I don’t think they can both be true, or they don’t explain everything comprehensively, so I’m not sure I can trust it. And even if a theory does provide a good explanation, it actually offers me little relief from the questioning, as if I need a more meaningful answer.
The question of god comes up 100% of the time, basically in the form of, ‘Is this all bull shit? Or is there a reason for our suffering? And what do I make of the events in my life, and what do I think about this thing called sin that tells me some of my natural impulses, which might just be ingrained in my biology because of the way we have evolved, are evil and should be fought against and I should feel guilty over them?’
I have conversations in my mind and sometimes with real people about the idea of letting go and accepting that we will not have the answers - this seems to be the healthiest thing to do for skeptics. Obviously everyone should be able to agree that we DO NOT KNOW for sure if there is a God, and that we cannot know. I have tried to find this certainty in religion, myself, by seeking concrete signs or proof, and was not able to. Most people can’t, and that is one of the key aspects about religion - it requires faith. A hopeful trusting in one set of answers that someone or multiple someones came up with, despite the arguments that could be said against the ideas.
I guess my significant flaw, then, is that I lack faith. If there are arguments to be said at all, I believe an idea is unreliable and cannot give it my trust. I need to have complete confidence, and I need to believe in ideas that can be universally true, otherwise I myself am just conceding to an illusion. If it doesn’t work for everybody, it’s just my own personal adaptation to help make sense of my own life, and my perspective can be just as valid or invalid as the next crazy person living on this planet whom I have nothing in common with. If there is no universal truth, then murderers, polygamists, animal abusers, and all realms of folks we’d consider in the wrong are not in the wrong at all, they are just living according to what they believe is true. I have not found anything I can call a universal truth, so I have no grounds for disagreeing with their way of living.
This void of truth not only applies on a moral level but also on a level of examining what it looks like to live a satisfying life. Because, god or not, we are still here and still have the daily choice of giving up or trying to make our existence something we enjoy. And so, like many of us, a decent chunk of my questioning has to do with where I or anyone else derives meaning and satisfaction in life. I have come across numerous authors, young and old, who speak about varying ideas depending on what they have personally been through. It seems that maturity and life experience/age often bring about a common theme of realizing what’s ‘actually important’ in life, and discarding the worldly pleasures, or at least giving less importance to those that bring immediate satisfaction, like partying, drinking, sex, gambling, etc.
So far, I think I agree with the thought leaders who believe the deeper satisfaction in life comes from working for something - putting in time, effort, sweat, and just pushing yourself to stick with a thing even when you don’t want to do it. I see this play out in what look to be successful marriages … and I cling to it for hope. Yet on the other hand, this perspective is still just some people’s opinions, and if not everyone is going to derive satisfaction from the same things in life, can we criticize those who are workaholics or who are relationship-dependent and have no personal hobbies or ambitions or are political internet trolls, antagonizing others online all day and contributing to the continual polarization of our society? If there is no universal truth for how to live, can we really blame anybody for doing what they do, if they are also just doing their best to cope with existing, and if what they spend their time on is the best method that works for them? Furthermore, if anything goes, should I even try to live my own life in any sort of way that’s determined by society to be normal, or do I let myself go off the deep end pursuing whatever it is that brings relief to my own chaotic experience?
One of the last ‘why’s’ I will mention that I have already asked myself in the form of a dialogue is, “Why does it all matter so much to you anyway? Would you be asking all these things so seriously if you were currently happy? If life made sense, if you had found your life partner by now and started a family and found joy in the things you expected you would?” Because it’s completely possible that deep down the questions are only coming from a place of hurt and unmet wants/desires - I can self-examine at least enough to see that. In which case, I guess it’s good I’m seeing a therapist so that maybe I can work through (or at least work on) some of those things.
But even having pondered the answer to that, I am still left with the big one, a question I might forever ask, one which has seemed to trump all others again and again. Is satisfaction actually attainable? Or will nothing fill this void, and will I always struggle without success to understand the universe, myself, and my own experience? I truly don’t know how to live my life in peace, and I am truly afraid of the answer to that question being No.
But, alas. I am here. I do exist and continue to wake up day after day. I have no concept of what occurs after I die, so the conclusions I can come to are: 1. It’s a stupid idea for anyone to even think about ending their life. This might be all we have. And 2. Since we are here we might as well do whatever we can to keep our brains happy, and sometimes that does require just letting go and giving up the fight, even for brief periods of time. It’s impossible to do all of the time, but I also cannot sustain the questioning everyday, either. Which is why I’m now going to go binge some trash TV on netflix and try to not think anymore.
