With Cautious, Open Arms

2016 was not kind to me. A LOT of people felt screwed over, screwed up by 2016, myself included. Political reasons aside, did we all just have a hard time in our personal lives? I started my year out rough, I remember. By July I was seeing a therapist for sexual confusion, anxiety and depression, extreme cognitive dissonance over religion/spiritual beliefs, and general inner turmoil surrounding dating and my possibility to even be in a healthy relationship. In my mind I had gone crazy. I sought doctors and even psychiatrists, googling every mental disorder on the internet trying to figure out what was plaguing me.

In the worst of the year, I see now that I had been unnecessarily beating myself up for everything that wasn’t even my fault or in my control. The negative messages were so strong, the only way to explain it is that it felt like someone else was in my head telling me constant lies about my lack of self-worth. It got worse as the year progressed. On top of the back and forth with God, which messed me up beyond explanation, my heart took a beating when I tried to date someone from my past who I had no business dating, fooling myself and setting my fragile self up for failure. It ended with a series of emotional arguments that left both of us more hurt and confused about life and love and the possibility of anything working for two people at the same time at all.

It was hard to be kind. I grew numb to things and people, angry at everything. I went about my days in retreated silence, passing strangers who probably thought I was a very mean person due to the pained expression always on my face. I didn’t bother to try to change it. I was in pain. Living was painful; I was just trying to get through the days.

I finally decided I would have to let go of God and religion. For a while I had been trying to hang on, even after the months of extreme roller coaster ups and downs. I needed to not FEEL anything about it for a while. I was sick of crying. I was sick of obsessing. For my own mental sake, I let God go completely and forced painful things into locked boxes in my mind, and I think I began to heal. I spent a lot of time outside, hiking everywhere I knew I could, whether or not I felt like it was doing good things for my soul. I distracted myself from the shattered mental state I was in by chasing experiences and fun things to do, because that was all I could look forward to. The distractions lasted a moment, at first. I learned to operate very selfishly, and I think I’m still doing that in a sense, and maybe that’s just what everyone else does and I’m just now catching on. Eventually I learned how to laugh again and that I could make other people laugh and that my presence is valuable to some.

It’s hard to look back on 2016 and even think about these painful memories. The lies. The utter self-hatred. The absolute hopelessness. Does it mean that I’m not healed if I am crying now because of it, still? I tried as hard as I could NOT to look back because it was the only way I could move forward, but I didn’t actually deal with any of it, unless burying an issue and moving on counts as ‘dealing’. With religion, anyway, there was nothing else I could do. I had to give up, and I present-tense, have to be an agnostic that says, “I don’t know,” or else I will get caught in the relentless hurricane of questions and attempts at reconciliations and trying to make everything cohesively make sense on one side or the other, which I’ve just decided is impossible.

I wish I could pray to someone and know that I am being heard and looked out for. It’s a comforting thing when I let myself believe that’s true, but it can only go that far. I can only use God for comfort and security, nothing else, otherwise that’s when the world falls apart and I can’t function without analyzing and destroying everything in my life.

A new year is upon us already, and I’ve been gearing up for some time now. Last year at this time I was caught off guard by the fact that I let a year go by without accomplishing much of anything. I started 2016 lonely, insecure, doubtful, and lost. It had only been the beginning. This new year though, I saw it coming months ahead of time and prepped myself so I wouldn’t be in the same dismal situation. Honestly I am just proud and glad to have made it through.

Reflections on the new year are good, I’ve decided, at least this time around. I can see where I came from, and I can rejoice in my improvements. However, I will not pretend that I’m invincible now just because I’m doing much better. I will not proclaim 2017 is about to be the greatest year, because what if it also sucks? It could potentially be worse; it will undoubtedly have its own trials, and I must be prepared for that. A much needed reminder at the start of this new calendar is that I am still a work in progress. I am still vulnerable, fragile, and not immune to relapses. I have had panic attacks and serious breakdowns in the last 6 months – something I shouldn’t try to forget. I humbly remember the hardships that have caused me to stumble, with honesty, but also with preparedness going forward.

I have a list in-the-making of vows to myself, rules of life, as you will. I’ve decided that my mental and emotional health is important, and I am happy to be doing what it takes to take care of ME. Most importantly, and the rule that every other motto stems from, is I promise to give myself grace, no matter what. I promise to never beat myself up because I think I’m falling short or have messed up. I promise to acknowledge that my life story is my own, and my journey looks different from everyone else’s. There is no ‘right way’ of doing things, and I have no obligation to measure my life’s accomplishments and movements to anything other than what works for me.

My life is also want I want to make of it. No matter what my relationship status is or how close a circle of friends I’m in, I have the freedom to partake in things that are new or interesting to me whenever I get bored. I have immense freedom to decide what to devote my time to, and thus, where my life will go. The possibilities are endless. Not only that, but I can also do hard things, and I can do them by myself. I am capable of overcoming fears by equipping myself with what I need to handle a situation. Nothing can hold me back if I put in the time to learn how to address the obstacles that might come up.

Lastly, I promise not to forget how big a support system I have in my family. They are not the people I want to spend every day with, and that’s OK, but I do not take them for granted. In all my life’s terrifying moments when I can only see the pathetic, thin, insecure shell of the self I usually am, my parents are there for me and ready to accept and embrace whoever it is I’m turning out to be. I can never forget the love my family has for me, or the progress I’ve made. To be emotionally and mentally healthy today is not something I have earned or deserved. Gratefulness has a place in my life, with or without a belief in god.

If 2016 was not your year, please follow my advice and reflect on the positives. Look at 2017 with optimistic but realistic eyes, and remember to love yourself with patience, be grateful for what you have, and just make sure you stick it out, because better times are ahead. I greet the new year with cautious, open arms. The trails I will hike, the sunsets I will see, the food I will make and eat. The story that is my own that I am writing all for myself. The grace I will have for myself, because I deserve not to loathe who I am and the mistakes I think I've made. The beauty I will see, the adventures I will have …

… to 2017.